Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Need Some Advice

Happy April Everyone,

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I just don't want to bore people with some insignificant rants. I'm not going to lie, half of the reason I read these closet blogs are to read about other guys hook-ups, and I don't have any of those kind of stories. Yet.

I think I know the first person I'm going to tell. I met this kid Ryan about six months ago through a mutual friend. Ryan is a great guy; he seems pretty liberal and like the type of person who wouldn't get weirded out by being friends with a gay guy.

Ryan was recently dumped by his girlfriend, and has been calling me every night for the past couple of weeks to hang out. He basically just tells me all of his problems in regards to his ex-girlfriend, his job, this new girl he's seeing. I've never heard a guy talk about their feelings and emotions as much as this kid does. Come to think of it, he probably doesn't really know anything about me because I haven't gotten a word in haha.

I have a huge crush on this kid but I'm 80% sure he's straight. I have no reason to think he'd be bi, besides the fact that he talks about his emotions like a chick. He's gorgeous; really European looking, athletic body. He isn't giant, but whenever he wears a t-shirt I can't stop staring at his arms.

Basically, we've been going on long drives just talking, going to get dinner (just the two of us). He usually asks me to hang out late at night after I leave my other friends. When this is the case, I usually leave my other friends early =P. The other day he said he was going to ask me to go watch his soccer game, but I had to do a few other things. Tonight, when he got out of work, the first thing he did was called me to see what I was doing. I smile every time he sends me a text or that I see that he's calling me.

What do you guys think? I haven't really known him for that longs. 90% of the people I hang out with have been my friends for at least 8 years, so would it seem more appropriate to come out to them? It's sad to say it, but I don't think they'd be as receptive as Ryan. Any suggestions for how I should go about telling him? Text? Letter? In person? When I first pick him up or when I'm about to drop him off?

Then there's this other issue where I have this huge crush on Ryan. And I don't think it's gonna go away unless I stop hanging out with him.

Saturday, March 31, 2012


I love Carl Pavano. He netted the Sox the greatest pitcher of all time. He pitched 8 innings of 1 earned run ball against the Yankees in 2003, then burned them for 40 millions dollars between 2005 and 2008, finally becoming a semi-saber darling for his undervalued performance over the past 3 seasons with the Twins and Indians. I may have found one more reason to love Carl Pavano.

Carl Pavano has become a blackmail target of a former high school classmate of his. Click here for the full story: During his time at Southington High School, Pavano allegedly had a three year relationship with a man named Christian Bedard. Bedard is threatening to release a tell all book about their "emotional and physical relationship".  In a Facebook message to Pavano's sister, Michelle Degenarro, Bedard claimed, “The only way your brother is getting out of this... is with a heart-felt apology and a navy Range Rover with tan leather.” Way to squash the stereotype, Christian. If Bedard's claims are true, I think we should still commend Pavano for his killer beards. He dated late 90's Alyssa Milano, and recently married model Alissa Zandy. 

I'd love to see a current major league player come out of the closet. The closest we've come to that is an anonymous blog titled "Clubhouse Closet" But despite my beard comments above, I'm not convinced that Carl Pavano is 100% gay. I'm not a bi-sexual denier; many people think sexuality is a black and white thing. When the concept of bi-sexuality was brought up amongst my group of friends, one of them declared, "there's no such thing as bi-sexuality. If you like wang in your ass, then you're gay." 

I don't know why my friend made that comment. He alleges that he's straight, thus never been sexually attracted to a man, so how can he say that it would automatically cancel out one's attraction to women? I think everyone has the capacity to be bi-sexual, and that only some people have the capacity to accept it. 

We'd all love another pro athlete in this circle, but I'd rather Carl make his own decision about his personal life than to have him dragged out of the closet by some dude that wants a Range Rover.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Some advice from one of my favorite Bostonians. I'm realizing that things aren't going to go as I planned them, simply because it wasn't meant to be that way. My goal is to tell at least one person before the end of the summer.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

My Dreams and Aspirations (part 2)

Hope everyone had a good weekend. This return to winter weather has been a huge kick in the balls. I got to go to the beach last week though. I honestly plan to go to the beach every day off this summer (probably won't happen) BUT I'M GONNA TRY.

Jerry asked me to be a little bit more specific about what I wanted to do in my life. I'm still unsure about what I want to do in my professional life. I'm a senior in college, switching my major for the third time -_-, so I'm gonna be there for another year. Which is okay because the job market isn't looking too great anyways.  I want to do something that has to do with technology, so I'm majoring in information systems. My number one dream job would to be to work for the Red Sox. I'm a huge baseball fan, and I really like all the statistics and nerdy parts of it, so I'd love to work with their database systems and statistical analysis department. Be prepared for some random baseball posts in a couple of weeks after the season starts.

Before I started writing this, I read My Double Life's blog ( . I remember him mentioning the thought of having kids. Up until that point, I told myself that if I came out, I'd have to make a compromise and not have children. Children can be terrible to each other; I could only imagine what they'd say to a kid with two dads. But my opinion on that is changing. Having children is one of the greatest things a person could do; if I didn't have one, what else would I really do with my life? I want a family. And I shouldn't be denied that privilege because some other people aren't accepting. I'm lucky that I live in Massachusetts.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

My Dreams and Aspirations (Part 1)

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for taking the time to check out my blog. One of my readers asked me what my dreams and goals in life were. I figured this would be a good time to let you all know what my philosophy on life was. It's weird how much it's changed in the past couple of years; I'm not really sure if my change in philosophy was triggered by my acceptance of my sexuality, or if the my acceptance of my own sexuality triggered a change in my philosophy. I do know that the two are definitely related.

Up until about three years ago, my entire outlook on life revolved around money. When asked what my number one goal in life was, I'd reply that "I'd like to own a black Bentley Continental coupe, and own a mansion in an exclusive beach town in Massachusetts." If people were curious about my political philosophy, I'd tell the I was a Republican (because in my mind republicans and money were synonymous. I don't feel that was anymore. Please don't be offended by me if you hail from the right). I went to a college that specialized in business, and decided I'd major in finance (because in my mind high paying job and finance were synonymous).

At this school, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of close minded people. And I found myself uncomfortably agreeing with what they said. When proposition 8 passed, one of my friends said he was glad that gay people were no longer allowed to get married in Ca, and without much thought I agreed with him. In another instance, a kid was telling a group of us how he told a gay student that he couldn't live in their suite because "the rest of their parents wouldn't be comfortable with them living with a gay person." I remember that i had to think about what they said for a minute, but decided it was probably best to agree with them. It was basically the attitude amongst the entire school. No one else was quick to argue with those kids anyways, so why should I? But I felt uneasy.

I transferred to a school in Boston, because as I've said in all three of my previous posts, it's where I belong. My professors at this school had a huge impact on how I viewed myself as well as the rest of the world. Maybe gay people should be able to get married. Maybe people who can't afford health insurance shouldn't be forced to live without it. I realized that maybe I should consider everyone else's situation before I could quickly draw conclusions on my own.

I also realized that money wasn't going to make me happier. I always viewed it as my way out of the misery I was feeling at that time; as soon as I was rich, I wouldn't need anything else to make me happy. I know it's probably the most overused cliche around, but money doesn't buy happiness. I usually feel the happiest when I look back at all the stuff I've done with my friends, as well as my semi-relationships with girls. I need someone new in my life.

Monday, March 19, 2012

About Me

My previous post was supposed to be my official "About Me", but once it turned into a long winded story of a bad experience from my past, I decided I'd introduce myself in a separate post.

I'm a 22 year old college senior born, raised, and living Boston Mass. I love this city so much. I went to a rural college in my freshman year and decided to transfer back to this area because I love it here so much. I live at home, but am hoping to move out soon so I can start living my life as the person I want to be.

I would describe myself as more masculine han feminine acting, but I'm not a macho douche. I'm 6'4, 185 pounds, average build. I'm 100% Irish, blue eyes, good looking guy if I say so myself. I wear Nike/addidas/AE stuff, always in sneakers, usually wearing my Sox cap. I never go out in downtown Boston; I go to the local bars. I played basketball in high school (I wasn't good but they let me on varsity because I'm so tall and the coach said I was "one of the nicest kids he's ever met") and I still like to shoot around in the nice weather. I love hiking and being outdoors.

I'm a little more introverted than I'd like to be. The people I hang out with are people I've been friends with since middle school or high school. I have a pretty even mixture of guy friends and girl friends. I'm a listener though. I never really talk about myself when I'm with other people (that's what this things for). I usually keep the attention on whoever I'm talking to, especially with strangers. Me and my really close buds can talk and laugh about the the stupidest shit. Since my incident in high school, I'm assuming all my close friends know that I'm gay, but they've never really treated me any different or alluded to it.

My father died of a respiratory infection when I was 17 years old. I miss him a lot. My brother and I had to make the decision to take him off life support. He was a really bad alcoholic when I was younger, so it kind of scared me out of getting involved in drugs/alcohol haha.

I'm sorry these last two posts have been kind of depressing! Some funny stuff happens in my life so they'll get funnier. Hopefully I'll have some more exciting stuff in terms of coming out and all that gay stuff too.

My First Story

Alright everyone I'm going to tell you a little about myself. Please be forewarned that this entry is going to sound like one long ass sob story- but I'm assuming that if you're reading this that you probably have one too.

I'm from the South Shore of Boston and I'm 22 years old. I love Boston. I can never see myself living anywhere else. I like to think of myself as a "normal" gay person (meaning not feminine). I've never had sex with a guy or a girl because my own insecurities have made it extremely hard for me to interact with others socially. I make my characters in the Sims have sex with everyone they meet. That's literally the only sex I've ever gotten. When I was younger I was never really that great at sports, and some people had suspicions that I was gay, but I always had a ton of friends (boys and girls). My guy friends in middle school were so fun. I always think of hanging out with them as the funnest time of my life. I would meet a ton of random girls in middle school and make out with them (which was a pretty big deal back then).

I don't know when I realized that I was attracted to men. I remembered I was always attracted to women when I was younger. To be less formal, I was really into google imaging pictures of tits and pussy, and Sable's playboy spread(s). I even learned how to completely clear your search history by age 12 (and showed all my friends how to do it because I'm just that kind of guy). In ninth grade a particular male porn star caught my eye and I was obsessed with his work. He's starred in thousands of scenes, so I had plenty of shit to download on KaZaA (throwback). His cock was huge, he was jacked, he cummed like a fire hose. He was everything that I wanted to be. At this point I was telling myself "I LIKE THE GIRLS HE HAS SEX WITH AND HES MY IDOL. THATS WHY I WATCH ALL THESE VIDEOS. WHAT? NO I'M NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM THAT'S CRAZY TALK." But at the time I literally believed that previous statement. I found out he started his career in gay porn, so I downloaded those videos to see if it was true. I can honestly say that I wasn't interested in seeing this man have sex with another man (at that time; now it's a different story (-; ). I just wanted to see if it was true. Back in the day porn videos took a minimum of 15 hours to download, so I let that baby do it's thing over night. (thank god for streaming. STOP SOPA)

I had a whole regimen as to hiding these videos. There was no way people would find out about what I had hidden in my computer. So naturally I was outed the next day. I had a bunch of people over my house to work on a school project and a girl using my computer did the most obscure thing, which led to my downloads in progress being displayed. She blurted it out so the room of 9 people knew what was going on. I couldn't even deny it. I forget how I reacted; I think my mind did that on purpose because it was such a devastating blow. I was fourteen years old, not really sure about my own sexual orientation at that point, but knew that everyone else's opinion was set in stone. It affected haunted me at every waking moment. I couldn't say a complete sentence, formulate a thought, or do anything without worrying about what other people thought of me. People never really said anything about the situation (to my face), but I knew that everyone in my small school probably found out.

The situation was only brought up to me three times. The first time the girl who initially found it and I were talking in front of the class. I called her gay (meaning stupid/lame, something I don't do anymore). She replied by saying "Oh I'm gay? Remember what I found on your computer?" So whoever was in that room and didn't know about the situation, they were aware of it now. Another time I was sitting at a party with my new girlfriend and a girl came up to me and decided it was a good time to bring the situation up. IT WAS HILARIOUS. What more could a fourteen year old kid ask for? In another instance a girl randomly instant messaged me and said some really hurtful things to me. I wasn't really the type to cry, but I cried on and off for the next week after that, and was so afraid of who she would tell, what my friends would think, etc.

We can sit here and argue about whether people are born gay, whether its a choice, and all that stuff. At that point in my life I really believed I wasn't attracted to men. In retrospect, I probably was, and that was the reason I initially downloaded those videos. But I can say that was probably a defining moment in my life, really hindered my self esteem and ability to interact with others. Remember that string of teen suicides due to gay bullying in 2010? It just recently hit me that I was a victim of the same thing.

But I'm glad I can enjoy those videos now though :-) Leave me some questions in the comment section and I'll try and answer them in my next string of posts.