My First Story

Alright everyone I'm going to tell you a little about myself. Please be forewarned that this entry is going to sound like one long ass sob story- but I'm assuming that if you're reading this that you probably have one too.

I'm from the South Shore of Boston and I'm 22 years old. I love Boston. I can never see myself living anywhere else. I like to think of myself as a "normal" gay person (meaning not feminine). I've never had sex with a guy or a girl because my own insecurities have made it extremely hard for me to interact with others socially. I make my characters in the Sims have sex with everyone they meet. That's literally the only sex I've ever gotten. When I was younger I was never really that great at sports, and some people had suspicions that I was gay, but I always had a ton of friends (boys and girls). My guy friends in middle school were so fun. I always think of hanging out with them as the funnest time of my life. I would meet a ton of random girls in middle school and make out with them (which was a pretty big deal back then).

I don't know when I realized that I was attracted to men. I remembered I was always attracted to women when I was younger. To be less formal, I was really into google imaging pictures of tits and pussy, and Sable's playboy spread(s). I even learned how to completely clear your search history by age 12 (and showed all my friends how to do it because I'm just that kind of guy). In ninth grade a particular male porn star caught my eye and I was obsessed with his work. He's starred in thousands of scenes, so I had plenty of shit to download on KaZaA (throwback). His cock was huge, he was jacked, he cummed like a fire hose. He was everything that I wanted to be. At this point I was telling myself "I LIKE THE GIRLS HE HAS SEX WITH AND HES MY IDOL. THATS WHY I WATCH ALL THESE VIDEOS. WHAT? NO I'M NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM THAT'S CRAZY TALK." But at the time I literally believed that previous statement. I found out he started his career in gay porn, so I downloaded those videos to see if it was true. I can honestly say that I wasn't interested in seeing this man have sex with another man (at that time; now it's a different story (-; ). I just wanted to see if it was true. Back in the day porn videos took a minimum of 15 hours to download, so I let that baby do it's thing over night. (thank god for streaming. STOP SOPA)

I had a whole regimen as to hiding these videos. There was no way people would find out about what I had hidden in my computer. So naturally I was outed the next day. I had a bunch of people over my house to work on a school project and a girl using my computer did the most obscure thing, which led to my downloads in progress being displayed. She blurted it out so the room of 9 people knew what was going on. I couldn't even deny it. I forget how I reacted; I think my mind did that on purpose because it was such a devastating blow. I was fourteen years old, not really sure about my own sexual orientation at that point, but knew that everyone else's opinion was set in stone. It affected haunted me at every waking moment. I couldn't say a complete sentence, formulate a thought, or do anything without worrying about what other people thought of me. People never really said anything about the situation (to my face), but I knew that everyone in my small school probably found out.

The situation was only brought up to me three times. The first time the girl who initially found it and I were talking in front of the class. I called her gay (meaning stupid/lame, something I don't do anymore). She replied by saying "Oh I'm gay? Remember what I found on your computer?" So whoever was in that room and didn't know about the situation, they were aware of it now. Another time I was sitting at a party with my new girlfriend and a girl came up to me and decided it was a good time to bring the situation up. IT WAS HILARIOUS. What more could a fourteen year old kid ask for? In another instance a girl randomly instant messaged me and said some really hurtful things to me. I wasn't really the type to cry, but I cried on and off for the next week after that, and was so afraid of who she would tell, what my friends would think, etc.

We can sit here and argue about whether people are born gay, whether its a choice, and all that stuff. At that point in my life I really believed I wasn't attracted to men. In retrospect, I probably was, and that was the reason I initially downloaded those videos. But I can say that was probably a defining moment in my life, really hindered my self esteem and ability to interact with others. Remember that string of teen suicides due to gay bullying in 2010? It just recently hit me that I was a victim of the same thing.

But I'm glad I can enjoy those videos now though :-) Leave me some questions in the comment section and I'll try and answer them in my next string of posts.

Boston